hmm...

sorry i havent been on in a while
lets just say summers been CRAZYY!!

well my dance revue is coming up an i have danceing like everyday!!!

my friends life has been nothing but crazy drama: romance, scandals, anger, and partyyy!

anddd... im probably not going to be on much but this is it for now. BYE!

speechless

speechless
loss for words
unbelievable

Friday April 17,2009 8:03
A boy lost control of his car and ran in to a school bus
on his way to school

that boy was my cousin, Thomas.
16 years old and God took his soul to heaven
i know that for sure
he's in a better place but only had 16 years to live a life that
was quickly taken from him unexpectedly
last time i saw him was a year ago and i regret not going to
Mississippi more often to visit them.

i never knew how it felt to loose someone so close to you
it makes you regret not spending time with them
and it makes you think about them more often than you did before
it makes you sadder and more depressed
every time you try not to think about it
people just keep bringing it up and you just don't want to think about it
it just hurts.

the next day my sister and her boyfriend got car jacked.
they took her purse with her phone, wallet, and pretty much life in it.
they took his wallet and car.

this just adds to the most terrible weekend of my life
and of course my moms was in Mississippi with her sister
i get a phone call and of course think the worst and the worst already happened
this just adds to it
my sister was historical
and I'm eating snowballs with my friends
even though me and my sister have our disagreements
i wanted to be there for her

i had a dance competition in Slidell and it went okay
i just had too much on my mind
i did good in my dances
but not my best
i cant just pull off happy dances with all this is going on

and everything was starting to get better

trust, what trust?

trust...
such a strong word
and i trust no one
i thought i did
but not anymore
i found out that my best friend really isnt a good friend at all
over the stupidest thing to
a song
it started with a song
then led me thinking to the past months
then made me realize
my friend isnt a friend
shes a selfish, full-of-herself bitch
she doesnt listen to me
she doesnt pay attention
she doesnt care
for anyone, other than herself
its aggravating that i put up with her for this long
ive been nothing but a good friend to her
yeah i mess up every now and then
but at least i try
she doesnt give me shit!
friends?
she doesnt even know the definition of friends
she wont even let her best guy friend go out with this girl because she doesnt approve
selfish much?
she doesnt want things to change and ruin her life
she just has to deal with shit
thats life its not always cookies and milk
im tired of it
i dont know how to tell her but im going to have to
shes loosing friends and she doenst even know it
she doesnt want change, but she has changed
i want my old friend back from kindergarden
back when she was nice and caring
innocent...
fuck my life

dance

everything that i thought would never happen
happened
everything i stood for
crashed and burned
the one thing that made me happy
makes me cry
im not happy anymore
was i ever?
the one thing i had
gone
the one thing i stood for
that i made this blog for
doesnt make me happy
doesnt help me vent
i wish things were back to normal
i wish i would look/be normal
the only thing i do is cry
all the time
music is my escape now
not dance
teachers ruined it
dancers ruined
they underestimate me
im sick of it
last line in my dance
last line in their dance
where do i stand?
i wish i knew
they cant blame it on my height
yet they do
way to make me feel even lower
the worst part is
im not going to stoop down to their level
im going to dance my heart out
make people look at me
or at least try

lost...

i've been feeling very tired lately
i don't know why
i've been going to school sleeping through classes
coming home to sleep till 5
go to dancing
finish my homwork go to bed at 10
is that healthy?
every since Mardi Gras
it's been different
can a guy really affect your life this much
i dont feel like myself anymore
i dont know how he feels about me anymore
i like a sence of whats going on in my life
i dont know what to do
dancing isnt that big of an escape anymore
i think he's playing with my head
eventhough i barley talk to him/see him
those little words we say to each other
mean so much
they affect me
they make me think
they make me confused
they excite me
then bring me down
they make me think i have a chance
but i dont know if i do
i've been feeling depressed
i just want to see him
my friend hates him
but i like him
he might like me
he wants to see me
we havent made time
dance competitions/work gets in the way
the book i'm reading makes me even worst
its such a good book
but alot of saddness happens in it
maybe thats the cause
have you ever went through the emotions
that they main character goes through
i have
but not this bad
it's affecting my life
the books almost over
will i be normal...
ever
what should i do
deal with it
or try to fix it
try to fix myself
or...
whats the other option
death
no
im not one to hurt myself
i just need another option
another chance
another thing
to get my mind in the right state
i need a vacation
i need to feel comfort
in myself
and with others
i need to get this virus off my computer
i need to figure things out
i need you

new beginnings!

well this month has been VERY exciting so far...

made new friends and had new adventures

BEST view of the city at night is by far on top of east jefferson hospital

it is amazingly beautiful up there.

you can see all the way to the lake and with all the lights on it's absolutly incredibly!!

now for the bad news

my friends broke off into two groups :(

and im stuck in the middle rotating from group to group

but their all good friends to me and i just have to deal with it...

now my competition was 2 weekends ago and we got 1st in our jazz routine!!!!
my solo was horrible and i messed up sooo many times

but it's okay

things happen and i just have to deal.

im just too hard on myself

i bawled when i got off stage

:'(

worst day of my life!

Today actually started off pretty good,

then I had practice from 1:30 to 6 and all HELL broke loose.

Practice started off good then the coach became an incredibly, huge BITCH;

and made us do this turn sequence and change it then put it back like 50 times for 45 minutes.

FYI the competition is on SUNDAY.

SUNDAY!

And we're still changing things.

I'm also mad at her for my position in all the dances.

I'm in the back for pretty much every dance.

I've been on the team for 3 years and I have new dancers in front of me.

I mean I could understand if they were better than me but they aren't,

[not to sound completely conceded, or anything]

but I think I should deserve a good spot in the dance.

The worst part is that the best dancers on the team is standing next to me.

IN THE BACK!

Finally one of my friends actually had the guts to say something about is to the coach and the officers.

Okay that's it with the dance team DRAMA.

Now on to regular dancing DRAMA.

So I went to dancing in an already pissy mood.

Just for it to get in an even worst mood.

Okay so I walk in first thing is that I get pulled out from the turning group.

I mean I could understand that but her reason is what made me go off the wall on the inside.

She took me out of the turning group because I WAS SHORT!

And she wanted it to be even height.

Well way to make me feel even worst about my height.

Even though it was already supposed us three she just randomly decided to take me out.

I know I'm not the best turner but you don't have to lie to me.

I was working really hard for those turns which I've been doing them perfectly for awhile now.

Then it just gets worst with me being pushed back to the last line again.

This is really starting to get aggravating.

It's starting to make me feel horrible about myself and it's starting make me think if this is what I really want.

Should I stay with a studio which is based on favoritism?

Well after dancing, I finally get home just to get yelled at by my DAD for something incredibly stupid!!!

I have so much to worry about right now and all I needed was his support on dancing and school.

but nothings good enough for him.

PLUS he hates my dancing.

I try to get good grades for him and try to please him, but he just won't let me do this one thing I LOVE.

Hmm selfish much...

ohh and sorryyy about the language :/

well well well...

I went to ballet yesterday for about 4 hours.

I feel like I've been hit by a car and it rolled over me about a million times.

I don't think I've been this sore in a while...

Well on a better note.

My friend and I are good again.

1. Because we know each other and we both can't hold grudges.

2. Because we're like sisters and always get in fights, which we always end up making up.

3. Because she's my best friend.

4. Because she's my best friend.

You get where I'm going. lol

Our first dance team competition is coming up NEXT WEEK and I'm not at all ready for it.

I'm not physically or mentally ready to do this.

nerves, nerves, nerves!

WISH ME LUCK!!

ehh...

So far in 2009 I've already had a huge fight with my best friend,

but I've also had a lot of funn.

We're friends again but it just gets aggravating that she reads too far into things, and then she apologizes 5 minutes later like it was nothing when it clearly was something.

She usually blames it on her home life or something that's wrong with her, but she shouldn't take it out on us.

It's not our fault.

Well school starts tomorrow :/

and dancing, but I have a basketball game to perform at so I can't go.

Well this is pretty pointless soo... bye

2009!

AHHH!! HAPPY NEW YEARR!!!

:)